Hello, internets. I have the plague. I went to work on Monday and felt fine but a little congested in the chest. By Tuesday morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Tuesday night I was sore everywhere, even my EYEBALLS hurt. Terrible! Anyway, there are worse things than having the flu so I don't need to bore everyone with it. Only my husband. Who must listen to me complain about it constantly. I wish I could afford to put him up in a hotel room for a night so that he could get the hell away from me because one of the side effects of any illness I contract is CONSTANT WHINING. Ugh. Horrible.
In the interest of providing something amusing to read, I bring you this:
The Spam I get seems to fall into three categories:
Swiss watches
Where to buy Viagra and Cialis online
How to please your woman
I have no use for any of these things. I don't know why the internets think I am a man. I often wonder if other chicks get a lot of spams touting the cheapness of Online Pharmacy penis pills or if surfing habits and keywords in your email dictate what you end up with. I suppose spams targeted at ladies probably wouldn't be any better and would probably consist largely of messages detailing where you can get cheap knockoff Coach purses and how to increase your bust in 30 days! and so forth.
In any case, I have recently begun taking screenshots of some of my more delightful spams. Here they are for your viewing enjoyment.
Featured here are a sentient watch (!), a seasonal email from some sort of lamb dish and another from a polygamist named Solid Freundlich.
Adolph Baker knows I have problems with IT. If he means Tim Curry dressed up as a homicidal clown I fully agree with his assessment. This screenshot contains a pretty high quotient of excellent "How to please your woman" emails, including a reference to my "love-beast", a couple of odd object references (to a hose and a rocket respectively) and an email from me about my "loveing machine". There is also a somewhat dubious email suggesting that Oprah has a No. 1 Superfood* which will help you lose weight naturally. What?
I just like the direct, no-nonsense, to-the-point flavor of this one.
Finally, I have received one of my
favorites to date from Ailbert Austin (My private xxx life makes it
sound like there is moonshine involved which isn't entirely
inaccurate). Also featuring an email from Graham and Ludmila Moss. Oh, Ludmila, of course! Didn't we meet on that cruise ship? How the hell are you?
*The Superfood in question is Acai Berries so they may as well have said Oprah's No. 1 Snake Oil.
My e-mail also thinks I am a man. As did my old work cell phone, which kept receiving text messages telling me how to enlarge my penis. My boss was not amused.
Posted by: Heidi | 08 February 2009 at 08:32 PM